Saturday, December 12, 2009
Its been 4 months since I have been to US and not a single day has passed without me missing my days back in India. With each passing day the thoughts are more and more pronounced. Every now and then something reminds me of my past life and the whole past flashes in front of my eyes like a movie clip with a strong background music going on and pieces from here and there making up the movie. Sometimes I see myself shouting at the top of my voice at one of my college's party night, I am jumping and dancing, the next moment I see myself in the midst of my friends and we are having a great time. I see myself going to office, I see myself making jokes with my teammates, I am having a party with my friends, I am going to see a movie with my friends, I am travelling, I am at the top of the mountain and remembering all my tours, I am with my cousin brother at Chittaur, I am at Manali with my office buddies, I am clicking pictures, I am sleeping back at home, the Blueline line bus ride from New-Delhi to Noida. Oh now I curse myself why I didn't use my time at Noida to see the Delhi at its best.
There is a lot of things to be done in life and every now and then I remember my times back home and not stop thinking if I could have used my time in a better way.
The US life is making me miserable from within. There is limited fun here and I thank my life I have some exciting friends here with me without whom it would have been hard to survive the days. The lack of money is forcing me to stay indoors and better not to start about studies. During semester, its only studies. I now see the pressure of securing a nice GPA. Never felt the need for it before but here it counts, and its everything. So now I have to study like never before and its hard to concentrate also. I am not used to studying seriously and at a stretch. I am worried about my grades. I have already kinda screwed up one paper. Two papers remaining and exams are 5 days away. Its hard for me to sit down and like study 2-3 chapters at a length and be done with it. I always think of doing something like it but I fail everytime. Every 15-20 mins I need a break. He he he. Yeah, thats how I study.
It even saddens me more that my life is going to be colorless and uncool for the next 2-3 years.
When I was in India, I was sure that I wouldn't miss my past. I was sure I am that macho not to remember the fun days and be sad about it. I thought I am over it. When I was in Noida, I would often miss my home but I was more controlling than others. In US, its a whole new story. I am so much far away from my house, my friends, my family that I miss them dearly.
The samsung days were fun. I was getting more money than I think I deserved. Although I became complacent but still, the money was good. It took care of my basic needs and travellings, parties, movies, beers etc. I loved that life. The financial independence brought a lot of fun to me. It changed me a lot also. I became more and more free, open. Not restricting myself to anything. My motto was There is no use of this money if it doesn't bring me happiness. So I spend it whenever, wherever I wanted not caring about savings or future. That brings me to my second motto, One can never be sure about how things will turn up in future, 5 yrs down the line one can only say that I may or may not be able to do this but now, I can definitely do this and have fun. Absolute surety at present is better than doubt in future. And moreover, after 5 yrs, I don want to think like I should have done this when I had the opportunity.
I remember the infinite visits to the malls, to the markets. The fun get together at the lunch table when the whole of AV team would come along and bring in new gossips. It was fun to know strange things about other people, half true half imaginary. The annual office party was one other thing to cherish. So much fun man!!! Loads of dancing, shouting. Its nothing but letting yourself loose. The other thing I miss is attending colleague's marriage party. Its kinda different get-together. Meeting your office friends, outside office, like in real life, like they are your real life friends. It was always fun and more fun if the marriage is some 4hr drive from the city. Awesome. We play all sorts of games on our way in the car. Like listening to the radio and guessing the song from the opening music, like waving to people outside and capturing their puzzled face in your mind and laugh thinking about it afterwards.
One of my teammate is going to marry in may next year and I am suddenly so depressed. He was my best bud in the office and damn I'll miss his marriage party. It kills me. I long for that kind of get-together party. Good friends make a special impact in your life, isn't it?
I have got some good friends here also. My roomies are simply superb. There is this girl who is also very close to me.In-fact she is close to everyone. She is funny and I kinda like her alot. I like talking with her, I like being with her but now this is killing me softly. She has got a boy friend already and these days not a single day goes by without me cursing myself why I met her. everytime I talk to her, I want to feel as if there is something between us beyond normal friendship, but I know she cannot be mine. It kills me everytime I remind myself that she has got a boy friend. I always wanted to he hers but..............
These days I try to avoid her and restrict myself. The more I talk with her, the more painful its for me to separate. Although I joke about her relationship, make fun of it but from inside, I feel someone took away one of my hand. From inside, I become like dead serious. The feelings are one sided and would remain like that. And it is more depressing that she would never know I had such strong feelings for her. I won't tell her anything. She is happy with her beau. I don't wanna ruin her life by introducing more complexities. I am also dead sure she would reject me if I propose. Anyone at her place would do the same. There is only one happy ending to this. If she feels something for me too and if its more than normal, may be she would come to me but that is highly likely so the sad ending is that I have drink this poison for the next 2 yrs that we will be around.
Man! Know I feel how one feels when in Love. She magnifies my good feeling when we would be talking, I can hardly imagine how elated I would be if she were my girl friend. Enough of imagination................
Posted by Goldy Blank at 9:26 AM